you may be wondering why i usually rock up to an event looking pretty tired or needing coffee first .. even when it's an event you know i was looking forward to. so let me give you an insight on how it works in my world - been mulling over wanting to write this for weeks. but after last night, i noticed how prominent the pattern was.

what you don't see is the BTS preparation. it's not for an hour, or a day. but days, sometimes weeks.

i'd be double confirming my bus schedules, even if it's a route i've taken plenty of times. i need to make sure there are no timetable changes, confirm the trip duration, and more importantly .. prepare alternatives for just-in-case situ.

then it's my fit. yeah, i don't usually seem to care how i look, but i do still want a fit that matches the vibe i'm expecting. and that means also researching who may be attending, which helps me decide on how i want to present myself .. and also prepare, and rehearse, in my head what i might want to talk about, when approached.

in between these and the event, my head is constantly like .. did i make the right plans? maybe something needs to be tweaked. no wait, let's stick to the original plan because it was good. are you sure?

then the day finally arrives. if it's not a morning event, then .. i can't do anything at all the whole day, other than small simple tasks. but yet i somehow end up doing some "important" things last minute, and then go "shit shit shit, i'm late". making me rush like crazy to get ready and head out.

but i end up still arriving on time, or really early, and go "da fugg was i rushing for".

(i'm feeling on a roll right now, so let me go further)

most assume i'm very sociable. yeah i kinda am, but also not really. cos i need familiarity to feel comfortable, to then allow me to be that "sociable" person.

with or without coffee for that quick boost, i usually try to find my most familiar anchor .. which is a very deliberate move. at events like last night, it's hanging around the reception area since it's what i used to do back in CoLab and WADSIH hackathon days. and that helps make me feel a bit more comfortable.

ironically, greeting people at the reception, even new faces, helps me get comfortable to .. meet new people. and once more familiarity kicks in - as of late, at Curtin Alumni events, it's having Luisa help me make sure my name tag is straight - i move away and slowly ease in with the crowd.

this don't mean though, that i can't handle something "different", like say a new face approaching me first to talk or chat. i can definitely take the occasional "changes" .. it's something i've trained and got pretty good at, the last decade.

and you'll know everything is all fine when you finally see me get animated with my arms.

then i go home. sometimes i'll quickly do a post. but most times, i can't do anything else except background TV, headphones on, current go-to song on loop, and just .. doomscroll.

once i feel "ok" again, i sneak another light coffee and puff before bed, and .. revisit and go through conversations and scenarios from earlier - how it went, what went right or wrong, how it should have been, etc.

thus, struggling to sleep even though i feel so tired.

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